Dreaming of More

Wasting Away into Glory

2010-11-29T20:08:00.001-05:00

I freaked out.
Squealed out loud in the ladies room.

I saw my first gray hair. It is brilliant. It seems to only be half committed to being silver, it is more of a chestnut and silver swirl…so delightful.

With this little aged wonder, come my mixed emotions. Do I pull it out, hide its existence or wear it proudly? So I carefully place it back in it’s home at least until I have had time to show Andrew.

God is so random, minutes ago, on my way to this truth telling mirror, I was thinking about when I would earn the honor and grace of sitting with people in their pain. At times, their anguish is so palpable I want to reach across the room and put it into my lap…but this would not do…my desire to fix them would never heal them.

So I sit.

And I wonder what to do with this tension. Pondering if I will ever be wise enough.

Wise like my Memaw.

In all of her brilliant glory, which is mostly encompassed by her rest with others and even more so herself. She is woman. She is mother. She is friend. She is beauty.

I want to be these things.

She tells me that she worked hard for her crown of wisdom. So today as I stand in my reflection holding onto what might be only a change in hormones, something of genetics, and I smile.

Although I am terrified to stand in this woman called me, as I know daily my body is losing the battle against gravity. I realize it is the only path to beauty. Beauty that when fermented becomes glory.

God, though seemingly unkind in allowing divinity to be cradled in humanity was actually breathe-taking.

Here is to the courage it takes to trust a God who made our physical beauty fade on purpose.

A Tribute to the Bravery in Dying

2010-06-03T18:52:00.000-04:00

His respiratory machine and her repeated stories are the background music you hear at my work when you are put on hold.

In the biopsychosocial field of medical care, I spend hours upon hours with people who need assistance. I have done things only mothers would do and I have done things no mother should have to do.

Hygiene. Cleaning. Diagnosis. Toilet Duty. Heart and respiratory monitoring. Exercises. Story-telling. Lifting. Stages. Assisting. Moving. Medications. Changing. Praying. Watching. Listening.

I have listened to memories of strangers that consist of mumbled words with three-to-five minute pauses. In the midst of disease, watched these soldiers struggle to tell their story through memory loss. Fighting the deterioration of the sinews in their brain so one more person might hear about their causes on this earth.

In a few cases, I get to be that person.

It has been an honor. To watch people in need forced to allow me to help them. My job is to offer dignity when there is no dignity to be found. I fight to bring hope when no one else is hoping. Inviting comfort when there is only the accompaniment of pain.

And then after months, maybe a even a year of exhaling life comes the bravery of
death.

Oh death, you silent threat. As if aging were not enough to test a man. You come to demand our humility. I have watched you yet again creep into test tubes and through organs to stare down augustness and demand to be noticed.

It is a confrontation of the soul that few are allowed to witness. It is here that bravery is more present than I have ever seen.

His breath is slowing. The morphine has kicked in again.

Death is near.

Glory, even closer.

Tripping to the rhythm of you

2010-02-06T03:00:00.001-05:00

I am watching a 2 year old dancing in only his diaper in the waiting room at the hospital. We are both here to get an immunization, but I am the only one of the two of us, who knows.
I wish I could dance while waiting for my shot.

I love being here. Seattle. I love the city and my friends. I love feeling like I am starting something of my own, and it is good.

I only miss the South on holidays when I know my family and friends are gathered together and I am missing their laughter and the growing moments of their lives.

Other than those moments, I love this new family I have, this husband I now do life with and our tripping over each other in attempt to stand up in Marriage, even for just a few moments at a time.

We make small, gigantic steps and we stop and smile at each other, with the tears still drying on our cheeks. We smile not because we are ahead of few and way behind others, but now there is a “we” and we are.

And a few months into it, it feels like we might learn the dance after all.

Marriage and Jesus have been dancing near us, Andrew and I are just watching, wondering if we will ever be able to look like that when we dance, to move with such grace and rhythm. To laugh and twirl, in the midst of stepping on the others toes.

Marriage turns to us and says, “Just let loose, be free.”

Andrew and I look at each other, wondering if we have ever felt that free on our own, better yet with each other.

Jesus reaches down to help us up and says, “The secret is, Marriage dances with freedom because she knows I will never drop her.”

“I will never drop you.”

Haiti

2010-01-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

She is like a foreigner to me. Lying there in the stillness of the morning.

Silence.

Although what I fear, I crave. I want to be silent. To sit here on my 1970’s burnt orange couch and click away on my keyboard, spelling out words that mean less than I would like them to mean.

Haiti.

I feel you.

Torn down by your faulty infrastructures. Maimed by your concrete wreckage. Smothered and murdered by the earth’s trembling.

Haiti.

I am sorry.

How can I know you if I am not with you? And how can I think of you while I am here - it makes me crazy.

To know your breath is being stolen and I cannot find the culprit.

God?
Nature?
Evil?

You, Haiti, have been crying for so long now, maybe the shaking of your country was you yourself finally telling the world they cannot ignore your tragedies any longer.

Maybe you had enough of no one helping your hopelessness, maybe God heard your cry and He demanded the world to finally help His children.

Probably this had nothing to do with nature or some have said punishment, maybe some starving Haitian child cried out and God said; this is enough. You will be heard. You will be helped. I thought by now someone would have come to save you, but no. This time I will demand them to hear your cries.

And the earth quaked with their pleas.

Maybe this time we will listen.

And possibly we might be more aware and convicted to those in need so that God doesn’t have to demand us to extend our wealthy hands.

With me.

2009-08-03T02:36:00.001-04:00

I fell asleep last night with a smile on my lips.
I am so happy inside, happy like I laugh when no one is watching and sometimes I dance a little while I am smiling…and I even yell out sporadically in my car with pure glee.

He loves me.
Andrew loves me.
He picked me to be his wife.

I carry his invitation around in my pocket like a little secret. A promise wrapped in white gold around my finger.

He asked me.

To grow old with him and turn all wrinkly together.
To hike waterfalls, cook dinner, buy a house, jump out planes, race go-carts and sleep in hammocks in the afternoon…he wants to do all the little things and the gigantic things…with me.

And that makes me happy.

Dreamers who Overcome

2008-03-13T00:30:00.000-04:00

I am excited to write this entry, sit back because you are in for a long one. It’s a bit of a story, an update, it is a little window into my everyday for the last couple of days, the last few weeks, the past months….9 months to be exact. That is when she called to tell me they were pregnant. I was getting on a plane to Africa for the summer so I was safe to tell. We had been praying for over two years for them to get pregnant….she wasn’t even sure if she would carry the baby through but she wanted me to know.

A lot can happen in 9 months, for me in the matter of these 9 months many things in my life changed – new dreams appeared, I graduated through stages, life and death occurred, my heart soared and fractured – but throughout all of this, a baby was growing inside of her….life was growing.

In a turn of events, my location moved from the East Coast to a house that when the blinds are open I can see the silhouette of my cousin’s belly as she walks through her own house across the street. These days have been priceless.

Many a morning I have sat with her and a cup of tea, as she cried over the baby’s stalling. I stare at her swollen belly as she swears to me it will never come….I think to myself, well where else is it going to go, it has to come.

It is similar in my life, in all of our lives, God’s promises, they seem to be swollen in my own belly as I scream at God and tell Him they will never come.

Labor began at home, with family all gathered and my cousin never looked more regal as we took turns holding her through contractions. Hours passed as I watched her coach her body to breathe through each pain. It mirrors to me our struggle, we are each birthing a story, and the only way it can be born is through pain.

Acelyn Nicole was born after 72 hours of labor.

Acelyn means Dreamer. Nicole means Overcomer.

I held her in my arms as she slept last night, thinking about the weight of her name. In each of our stories, through the pain of birthing greatness, we need more dreamers who overcome.

seeing him again

2008-01-24T16:06:00.000-05:00

The first miracle might have been the snow we drove through…I mean snow in Texas!? I was delighted yet my delight paled in the thought of seeing him. I was so nervous. After three outfits, the only certainty was my favorite red coat that I wrapped tightly around my frame. Would he like it on me? Would he still think I was beautiful? Had he found another to love him better? It’s the feeling you have deep in your stomach when you know that you are about to see an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend after a couple of years. The insecurities run rampant in your mind. The difference here is that I still talk to him all the time, but the last three years have mostly been in anger and pain, little love. I was so nervous.

I walked into the dimly lit auditorium; I lost my breath….so scared to see Him. I remember the night so well, leaving him, with his kiss still on my lips. My mind spun…What if He doesn’t even come to see me? What if He is with someone else, a better lover? My fears were lost in a moment, before I could see His face, I was in His arms. His embrace brought tears and He held me, and never let go. There were no words, no songs, we just stayed there. I in His arms. Tears ran down both of our faces. He held me, the one who had hurt Him so much, who wounded His heart, who has been so cruel, yet His love fell on me like tears, not of pain, but of longing. Why hadn’t He found someone else after all this time? Why had He waited for my broken, lacking love? I had chosen other lovers. This whole time, He was still hoping for me.

There are no arms like those of a true lover.

The worship surrounded us and as I raised my eyes to Him, His longing found my shame. He kissed my forehead, there was no reason for shame. This was perfect love. When the tears ended, I saw His name on the screen. I don’t know how, but as I stayed in His arms, I knew He was holding each broken soul: holding the defeated man, the cutter, the motherless wife, the starving woman, the unfaithful lover….He held them, just like me. See He had been waiting, waiting for each of us to let Him love us.

The only words I was able to sing that night…..“hope which was lost now stands renewed…”

trying to downsize

2008-01-04T00:35:00.001-05:00

Hey guys...i am trying to not have to post blogs all over the place, so I am going to stop posting on here (unless I go overseas again) and have my myspace blogs updated - please go to

http://www.myspace.com/liquidlifeline

If you want to read my blogs!! -christy

"hot yoga"

2008-01-04T00:34:00.000-05:00

Bikram Yoga otherwise known as “hot yoga” has made it into my life this week. We rush in because our overcoats are leaking in 25 degrees air through our spandex. The warm air is a mild welcome to the instructor behind the counter who greets us in a towel! I suppress my laughter as I tell him this is my new favorite place to workout. We are calmly rushed into a room set slightly above 108F and “hot yoga” begins. Between balancing, stretching, and opening my chest “like a blossoming flower” – the detox is welcoming but what has stayed with me was two lines the instructor gave us repeatedly:

“Keep your eyes open, be right here, be all here. If you have can learn to be with yourself, you can handle anything.”

So I stared up at the water-damaged ceilings, and I was with myself. I thought about all the things I lack in and all the things I don’t, I thought about how I can’t stretch even close to as good as the girl in front of me.

“Be okay with where you are….remember, even if you move a millimeter, you have grown.”

This is good for me to hear. I am learning to be much nicer to myself as I grow. Allowing me to be not as good as someone else and still loveable. So I take a long, hot breath in and I think to myself, you have grown a millimeter and I am proud of you.

I smile to myself and then look over to see a very large, hairy man who is smiling with his eyes closed. Maybe we both think that a millimeter is just enough for today.

gingerbread shoe

2007-12-17T11:41:00.002-05:00

The secret to our gingerbread dough was told to me this weekend, I have waited a long, long time to find out – well five batches later, I not only knew the secret ingredient (orange juice & cloves) but I had the recipe memorized!

It was a wild day in the hill country of Fredericksburg…Uncle Steve was at it again with his attempts to roast chestnuts on an open fire. We began the voting on Friday night, thus Old Woman in the Shoe was chosen and our engineers began early Saturday morning with chicken wire, measurements and sketching – our only other surprise was Aunt Jinx who surprised the entire family and showed because she can’t seem to miss out if there is a party going on!

The all-weekend event ended Sunday afternoon when the last gingerbread kid was secured climbing the shoelaces of the boot – we were done (check out the pictures and tune in for how we will destroy it Christmas day (and it if will actually make it 8 hrs. to Louisiana!)

Hope your holidays are just as fun!
Merry Christmas!

running through the creek

2007-12-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

The cold hit our excited faces, like two kids who could be no younger.
We ran.
Often times the physical reflects the emotional, as our bodies longed to go so much faster than our hearts would allow.

We exchanged few words as we ran, we were both lost in our wonder of God and our heart’s love.
I could see the creek’s invitation up ahead, shall we go?
At his hesitation I ask…
Shall we make such small excuses for an invitation to adventure?

Kyle and I took to the woods and I could see it was going to be harder for me to jump or climb the rocks than I had thought. In my best English warrior princess voice I say…

I fear I can only see one way.

Kyle’s response stays with me even now, weeks later…
Well, that is your first problem, because there is always another way.

It seems this way in life, that we are captivated by only seeing one way, sure that God couldn’t possibly have found another way? We get caught staring at this one path: this is how my career must look, this is what love from my spouse looks like, and these are the ways my kids should choose.

When I stop to find a little trust and peace, I can see there are other ways. When I breathe in deep, there are ways I can trust my God sees that I can’t even recognize.

Kyle stood there looking at the different jumps and the rocks and the mud – deep in his leadership he muttered….The true struggle is finding which is the best way.

I have a deep respect for a man’s calling to lead. Having been single for some time now, I must say as a woman the stress and frustration of leading myself is a daunting task, I long for the comfort of my husband’s covering. Yet the Lord has sweetly whispered and sometimes yelled of His provision and covering, and for moments I have rested in it. I love the verse, and I rest between His shoulders. We can rest there, men and women alike can rest in His ultimate provision. As we externally wrestle to find the best way, He is chuckling above as He lays out the path right under our feet. It is truly a gift to build a relationship along the way of trusting the Father’s faithfulness.

There was much mud and water that followed Kyle and I’s adventure through the creek all the way home. We arrived cold and dirty but with smiles that stayed the rest of the day.

This has to be a picture of His invitation to life, a calling that has little directions, many guesses, lots of mud, and many rivers to cross. Yet we made it home, and realized His concern was not so much the path we took. He was just glad we made it home.

sounds of home

2007-11-26T12:42:00.001-05:00

This is the helmet conch, dad explained.

To a 5 yr. old, a glassy coated shell from the ocean is treasure beyond belief. I would carry it next to my ear, listening to the sound of the ocean. I asked my dad how it kept the sound inside. He told me that when a conch is taken from the water, it dies, and it will forever holds the sound of the sea…the sound of its home.

I think this is much like each of us, our hearts carry the sound of where we belong. It may be why we believe in destiny or fate, why
I love the idea of carrying who you are deep inside of you.

For years after my dad left, I would often take the shell and lay listening to its sound. Wishing the ocean would wrap me up, wishing my father would wrap me up.

Today, Thanksgiving day, I am missing the sound of the ocean and the sound of my father. There are no oceans and no shells anywhere around.

I went up stairs to be away from the busyness and in the closet I found a box with my name, Christmas presents from last year (can you believe my life is so busy I fail to open presents, it is true) but my mom had said she had bought some things for my house one day, and since I am no where near having a house, I left them wrapped.

Is God so purposeful that today I would opened the first present a year later, and my tears brim….I was looking at a carved wooden angel with long brown hair, and she was holding a beautiful conch shell up to her ear.

Who are You, God?

burning the vows

2007-11-19T17:29:00.001-05:00

He was holding the scissors up to one of his dreads, questioning if he really wanted to cut them.
Do they free me or keep me in bondage?
The peace came, and he cut it.

He continued cutting them off, one by one and burned them. He said they smelled sweet like incense.

This is a tradition of the Nazarite - to grow their hair out when they make a vow to God. When they have fulfilled the vow, they cut their hair to signify its completion and then burn it.

As he watched them burn, he said he felt freedom come.

Not the Savior

2007-11-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

I am listening to her words on the phone….
she is asking me if she is beautiful,
she is asking him if she is beautiful,
she is asking the world is she is beautiful.
I am asking the same question.
Each woman is asking the question.

If dad doesn’t answer it, if I don’t know how to answer it, if mom answered but I couldn’t hear her, then who will tell us we are beautiful? Because society tells me to be a slut and the world asks me to be a whore…and if my breast aren’t large enough, doctors tell me they can fix it. Fix it? Like it is some deformity or disease.

How will femininity be taught if there are few women who can remember the definition? What will I tell my reflection everyday? What will I tell my daughters one day?

I ask God about it often – see, I really want to be beautiful. I want to capture men’s approval, I want to collect the world’s affirmation so that I can feel beautiful. I want my husband to think I am beautiful enough to be faithful or my father to think I am beautiful enough to love. Why does that seems so impossible?

And He answers…you weren’t made to be the Savior.

We weren’t made to save them….a woman’s beauty is not a man’s savior. A woman’s beauty is supposed to ultimately point a man to God eternal glory, the truest beauty. Thus a man’s strength was not made to be a woman’s savior, it was to draw her into God’s perfect strength.

The battle is harder now, because men and women who have little sense of their beauty and their strength are trying to save each other. Women build their beauty upon the desire to complete and answer a man’s hunger, yet she will always fall short. She will always fail to satisfy his lust and he will fail to satisfy her expectation.

5 a.m.

2007-11-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

It’s dark outside and the Texas air is a bit colder than my previous Central American mornings. Seriously, who likes waking up when it is still dark, I mumble to Kinsey as we brush our teeth. I got in late last night for Thanksgiving holiday, and to my normal expectation of family ritual, we are all up early going to workout at the wellness center together.

Five of us pile into the car as I laugh out loud at Uncle Steve’s brilliant white headband that lies in a straight line across his forehead. I think to myself that if I had this entourage with me, I might get up every morning to workout. Now stretching is a great preface, but as the song My Hips Don’t Lie begins our circuit routine – I can’t help but laugh as I watch my beloved family workout in their perfect form. Aunt Nicole’s arms are flailing vigorously as she lunges up to complete her set of sit-ups, Kinsey and Alan will not be left in the dust with their elevated heart rate apparent in each jumping jack and jump rope. Uncle Steve’s headband is methodically peeping at me in the mirror with every push-up. And little old me, well, I laugh as I attempt to balance on this exercise ball, certain no one has ever mastered looking attractive bouncing up and down on a circular rubber object.

It doesn’t end there, our $10 was not well spent until we walked out of the building only to run up a hill – now the hill country of Texas is a small feat to one who lives in the mountains, but to this flat land Louisiana/Florida girl it was quite the push. (don’t worry, I was the first one back!)

My only complaint to the morning was the dissonance of the ever-still darkness we drove home in. Somehow I am not conditioned to understand how people get up and finish such a task before the sun is awake. Yet I look forward to my holiday here, because with my family, it is always an adventure.

Burning of the Pines

2007-11-10T08:43:00.000-05:00

We were driving through the Pine Reserves in the Maya mountains – this Reserve was once filled with acres of beautiful strong pine trees. In the midst of rainforest mountains, a wild piece of land grew with thousands of pines. Their strong backs in rows across the land.

The trees were plagued with black beetles and the entire reserve was almost lost. The only way to save it was to set fire to the trees. The fire, which stripped them of all of their glory, was actually their savior. The forest burned with brilliance only leaving small remnants of what resembles a tree. It no longer draws tourist in, the ash is all they see. But if you look close you would find deep under the burned bark, sap remains. Life is still beating deep in the roots.

The irony is chilling as I am looking for myself in this forest. Trying to find if I am still standing, if he is still standing? The disease was too deep, it had spread too far – we couldn’t catch it, all would have been lost. He dropped the match and walked away.

I wonder if God saw the light from up there? I wonder if He notices when we are burned up, if He too stops and stares? Seems our God is too wild for me. Only He would allow beauty and disaster to share the same scene. The fires take everything. Little is left.

I stare at the trees covered in ash, stare at my future and back at my past. Which one more beautiful, who is to say? Is it brilliance of glory that I am burned up by His mercy…and I am left to discover that their is beauty in what someone else said is an ugly, burned pine tree.

In a few years I will return to this forest - I will dance in its radiance, in the re-growth and the glory.

Fighting crime and hanging hammocks

2007-11-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

Boating to the mainland wasn't half as fun as packing into our 15 passenger rental van. After picking up a friend at the airport, we headed into the rainforest...passing everything from Taiwanese communities and the Haitesville jail, to finding ourselves a Mennonite! I must move on quickly through my story as the hitch-hiker though one of our favorite stories is one of many.

On our way to the Mountain Equestrian lodge, the Mennonite attempted to recruit us to his church - promising 20 men for every woman. We kindly thanked him for his offer as we let him out at his horse shoeing job...on to our weekend in the mountains! We spent our days cantoring horses through the rainforest (learning every plant antidote), hiking through waterfalls and pools, and our evening playing Scrabble and Texas hold'em by kerosene lamp...definitely the life!

We soon headed to Guatemala to climb the ruins and run from the "conejo (rabbit) hunters" better known as banditos! The land was beautiful...an untouched country with landscapes where huge lakes kissed mountainsides. The magnificence of a sunset over an untouched mountain surrounded by the sea took my breath away.

Since this adventure to the mainland, we have settled back into the normal. We spent our days at a fly fishing resort: kayaking to the reef, healing our mosquito bites in the ocean and still finding the occassional tick. My favorite is swimming into the middle of the ocean and letting the water carry me, the ocean seems to be the only place big enough to handle my heart. We are going to relax a few days....dad and I set up hammocks this morning and then ran to the bridge to report an attempted burglar who wears a gray hat and blue backpack...the elderly tariff collector at the bridge assured us he would keep a look out! i laugh at the simplicity of this place.

I miss my friends tons but who would fight crime here on the island if I weren't here. I am looking for a replacement so I can come home soon!

all my love.

Belizean Citizenship

2007-10-27T03:02:00.000-04:00

So we've been here a week and dad tells me I should consider dual citizenship, I laugh as I think about my trip on the motorcycle last night that left me stranded asking the grocery guy to help me start it...i am not so clever when it comes to Belizean transportation: golf carts, boats, and motorcycles! It has been good to be here - the sea has welcomed me with her silence that heals my heart a little more. God seems to be giving me kisses through sea turtles as I have chased two in the last two snorkeling trips (and they are pretty rare!)

Autumn and I have been spending 5-6 hours a day on the book, and I must say I have never felt more vulnerable than to actually live out this dream to write and publish. I don't want to admit how much I love to write, that if people really would read it, I might write for the rest of my life!

If this wasn't exciting enough, I broke through another fear tonight as I sang karaoke with Bonnie and Autumn - picture a Latino bar with the smallest dance floor and a french woman who dances with such fierce abandonment I find myself next to her smiling and dancing the same! I have never seen so many latino men sing slow spanish love songs with more passion than I have ever seen in the movies!

If all these things were not enough yet I will try to win you over with this, dad thinks we need to practice if the world were to end...so we leave tomorrow for a weekend camping trip on the island! We are taking 10 of us and we are fishing and living on the land....dad says that reality t.v. is not his thing, and he wants to play Survivor in real life, so off to the island!

There is my update....heels and a machete will always be my preference!

disorderly beautiful

2007-10-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

“God hasn't invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something holy and beautiful—as beautiful on the inside as the outside. If you disregard this advice, you're not offending your neighbors; you're rejecting God, who is making you a gift of his Holy Spirit.” -1 Thessalonians, The Message

I am baffled by this verse, for what is inside of me is definitely a ‘disorderly, unkempt life’ – I mean, I only show you so little of loneliness, so little of my face – so what does it mean if God has only invited me into something holy and beautiful? It means that either I am in sin or I am redefining beauty. Is it beautiful to cry and curse till there are no longer words but silence the only thing that holds your heart, because pain can not be heard? Then that is what I will call beauty, in its elegance and grace, because all I have of holiness is by invitation He’s laced.

We read these verses blindly or we watch t.v.
and beauty and holy are no longer me.
They are chipped out and painted on canvas across my drive home,
of women and men yet I know their alone.
See the hurting and suffering our hearts try to lock
up, are bursting of pain - if only someone would knock.
Yet I falter to know if that is beautiful at all
when she’s left there naked and there is no you?
Stories upon stories I hear everyday and if hurting and pain are not holy, what do I say,
to all those who linger without limbs from the fight…. I pray that God redefines beauty alike.

A tribute to friendship

2007-10-24T12:57:00.000-04:00

What can I say about people who stand beside you in your struggle: hope for you, cry with you, laugh with you, pray for you, and commit to seeing you reach all that is within you. I want to love the way these women have loved me - i want to love all people with such freedom. There have been women in my life who have stood next to me (in this picture and don't forget Bonnie, Toni, Angie and Beth!) If life would bless us with only one gift, it should be love - at the end of it all we will be asked if we loved well. I want to love well....for all is lost if there is not love. It is worth more than anything I have, thus everything I will give to learn what it means to love. May we all experience it.

Mom's rocking chair

2007-10-12T00:53:00.000-04:00

I tiptoe to the glass room with the phone in my hands
and crawl into the rocker set near the window.
Its dark and I listen to words from a distance
and wonder if relationship is worth such precision.
I trace the wood on the arms of my momma’s old rocker
the scratches left by my fingernails long ago.
As I sway in the rocker it takes me back to her songs
that she’d sing; back to the rhythm of the methodical creak.
Now a woman I sit but as a baby I lay in this rocker that held me,
that lessened my pain. Same fabric holds tears that it held long ago
and if mommas where wooden then here is where I’d go.
If I found her I’d ask her to sing to me please
because life and its brokenness has not offered her ease.

mother of dan

2007-08-25T05:59:00.000-04:00

Wilson has become one of my favorite of the Malawian staff here, as driver, he has been the one through the summer who has awakened many a smile on my face. Wilson has brought me to and from the village I lived in, he has been the one to carry in water or food for us…thus everyone loves Wilson.

So as we set out to Lake Malawi today for a staff appreciation event, Wilson makes sure I am sitting next to his wife and kids. “Abanda, you are about to meet my better half”, he tells me, as we drive up to his hut in the village. Eight people live in the little hut that I stare at, Wilson has been married 22 years and they have six kids. I look over at Jody reading a Francine River’s Christian romance novel and I wonder if I have any concept of true romance.

As Wilson’s son, Esau naps on my lap drooling down my arm, I study Wilson and his wife Pauline as they interact. She laughs at him quite often as Wilson is a character to say the least. I notice the name he calls her is different than her name – I still fighting my romantic make-up assume it is a pet name they call each other. By the time the picnic rolls around I ask Wilson what is the translation for the name he calls his wife. They look at each other fondly, “ I call her mother of Dan and she calls me father of Dan.” My little romantic notions are squashed. “Why?” I ask in Chichewa. He explains and what I got from it was that it was their first creation of life together.

It wasn’t a “he’s your son” comment, it was a beautiful mystery that somehow two people could offer their very selves in human form. Of course this beautiful epiphany was told over Wilson serving his wife cabbage and her breast feeding their 10 month old. It was a realistic picture, yes we have six kids and most days we are running with our heads cut off taking care of them, but we also honor the beauty and wonder of creation.

Later that night, Jody and I talked about her romance novel and the future husbands we dream about, but more intrigued by all of that we were speechless to think of the power of love shared that very night in a mud hut between a man and a woman and their six children.

African Faith

2007-08-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

Chance and Henri stayed and talked with me tonight after dinner. We started to talk about the statistics of divorce in America versus Africa. They told me of differences they face in relationships, they spoke of how in the church women of strong faith are lacking. I said from my perspective it is the opposite in the states as it is the men who are lacking of strong faith within the church. I asked them about whether they believed there was one person made to be your soul mate. We got into a deep discussion of God’s will and His sovereignty. Chance says God does not want to hide His will for us from us. He says if we are seeking Him the Father will be faithful. It sounded so simple, profound and true standing there in the kitchen in the middle of Africa. There was no doubt, no fear in what they spoke. I thought of my friends back home; ones who are still waiting to meet the right spouse, those who are divorced, and all the pain of relationships that I have heard or encountered. Could it be that simple? The Lord wants good for us and He is faithful.

I told them I have been praying more and I ask God each time, give me African faith.

Give them the world

2007-08-20T11:02:00.000-04:00

I was probably no older than 8 when my aunt Jinx gave me a world map for Christmas. Don’t ever say I didn’t give you anything, I gave you the world! I didn’t really understand it, but she and my aunt Nicole did take me and Valeska on a trip to Europe that summer. Something came alive in me when I would travel, the countries and the cultures became my favorite teacher – I began to see and learn things that I would have never known.

Thus in our small village of Chiwengo this summer we built a library for the children we taught. The outside of the library has an empty wall which I decided needed some livening up…thus I gave the children what my aunt gave me….the world! It was my favorite contribution – a room full of books and a wall with the world! Check out the picture!

Safari in Zambia

2007-08-20T09:58:00.000-04:00

Much has happened, I have actually just returned from safari in Zambia and it was amazing! Crossing the border was a little harder than expected but once in the jeeps scouting animals, I was so excited! We took morning, mid-day, and evening tours – I saw water buffalo, monkeys, elephants, leopards, hyenas, elk looking animals, lions, and even cubs!!! Absolutely breath-taking!

The animals were so close to us, it was phenomenal, my only disappointment was not seeing an actual kill! BUT I did have an elephant outside my lodge looking in my window!

Now I am back to the base camp, the interns have gone home, and I am just tying up loose ends. I will go back to see the children one more time! I have exactly one week till I get home!

All my love!

Happy Birthday Kinz and a dedication to Klemmer!

2007-08-04T10:13:00.000-04:00

It seems like I am always surprised by how my attitude changes by just 2 liters of cold water, a coke, and a candy bar! Now for those who know me that is not my regular diet but after hiking mount Kasunga that is what left me a really happy woman. (please note here that I am a cheap date!)

Story goes we took over 50 of the children in our village to hike Mount Kasunga, well picture me, first with my charge of 15 interns and then 50 more African kids - it was incredible, and I stayed centered the entire time!!! So my bag is packed with pb&j sandwiches and boiled eggs for everyone's lunch and we rent a huge coaster that we stand for the hour drive to the mountain.

We get there, hike to the top, enjoy our lunch, I enjoy the less weight and then we say a quick share time about the incredible view from the mountain's top....and we head down. Now, in the midst of watching everyone half run down, half stay at the top, me staying centered...i remembered my silent hill climb with group in San Diego, and I began to look at ways to live differently even in the hike down. So I am suddenly aware of two women who are rolling logs down the mountain, we are talking big logs that crash down and I am first fearful of the kids getting hit. Then I am in awe of having a job of rolling logs down the mountainside in the sun...with babies on your backs and barefoot. (noting to myself I will never complain about being too tired to vacuum!!)

As I am in awe of these women I yell to the group to think about what it would be like to have this as your career. I then take a log and give it a couple of rolls, wow, definitely hard. Then I decide, what would change the world here? Maybe if we all rolled a log down, the women might remember us as the azungus who helped them work? So I began to roll a log (note, they roll 3 logs at a time!) but I could only do one, so I am rolling it for awhile and I look back and the woman is just watching me and when she sees what I am doing, she smiles!

Well, even with my encouragments I only got one other log roller (i think the Klemmer group might have responded differently) but I was different when I made it down the rest of the mountain.

Climbing onto the coaster, my girls kept telling me Christy, I was so proud of you. I was so proud of you as my leader, pushing those logs down. And I thought, I want to live this way everyday, looking in the most ordinary places to live beyond.

(not that hiking a mountain in Africa is an ordinary occurrence!)

love you guys!

2007-07-30T08:52:00.000-04:00

Baby Bridget

2007-07-30T08:42:00.000-04:00

Baby Bridget has just come. She is our newest baby. When we first got her she was the boniest little baby who couldn’t cry because she lacked the strength. Thus the first time she cried was when she saw a white person. We automatically apologized but the aunties were elated because Bridget had cried. They explained to us that to be healthy enough to cry was what they had been praying for. I was once again amazed by the perspective the Malawian hold, to think of the optimistic side, the idea that to cry means you must first be healthy enough, you must know the good side if there is ever a hope for knowing the lack of.

All That I Have Sown

2007-07-26T04:28:00.000-04:00

I realized today how it bothers me that I am getting older. My friends are marrying, having children, and starting the next step in their lives. So the not so kind critic comes to question where I am in life, who I have become, and what have I accomplished thus far.

“How many transportation vehicles have I sat journaling in as I tour some obscure country?” I ask myself. Have all my deep thoughts and longings accomplished anything for me up to now?

Have I sown all I have to offer…

I am a small girl who has become more now to resemble a woman, a warrior princess learning to be a queen. My heart has to this point been given to many: some broken pieces to men, some tearful places left around the world, mostly it has been stitched within the laughter and smiles of those I love dearly.

I don’t know if I’ve done it right, don’t know if I’ve missed paths which could have offered me more but I hope for this, that all You have for me would not be lost, not one moment or wish – for my greatest accomplishment thus far has been finding one who dreams for me beyond what I could….and then giving Him all of me.

Time takes its toll on us

2007-07-26T04:23:00.000-04:00

Time takes its toll on us. Time takes away but love remains. There is a quiet excitement that rises within me, it is early morning and the bus ride back to the village is welcoming. Africa is good for me and God is good to me. Hosea 2:14 runs through my head, “ I will allure her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. That’s where I am going back to, the desert, to a place I have come to love. Vulnerability. True authenticity.

There are certain questions that always find us when we are quiet long enough. Questions of the past, wonders of the future. I have lived in the silence that leaves one restless but now I touch momentarily on the resting that leads to silence. All the wondering, the doubts, the hopes, the hunger is met though not answered. This journey of intimacy is my life, not just an African theme, no it is the life You’ve called me to. In the lost chapter of my story I have begun to question vulnerability – whether intimacy remains intimate when plastered for all to see…yet the answer is no one can know us even if our souls paraded naked on paper. For the soul can only be reached by one touch, the touch of it’s Creator. So as you read my heart across this screen know it can only be seen because I have been loved by the greatest of Fathers, lovers, and Kings. My heart is here for you to see because it is no longer my own.

The call of authenticity is only satisfied through vulnerable intimacy with the author of silence.

defining wealth in africa

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we went to Lake Malawi this past weekend for a retreat with our teams – it was gorgeous! We took a boat out to an island and went snorkeling and cliff diving! It was incredible, don’t worry about me guys, loving the orphans in Africa is a blast! I have to say though, it messes with your mind to go back and forth between such poverty and such wealth. I have gotten better with the struggle. It seems there are pros and cons in every place and I must say the same with poverty and wealth, it seems as if it is a matter of perspective. I love the freedom that financial wealth has given me yet I find there is something in the African people that I long for, something that no American I know can afford....I sat in a village today shucking maiz with the Malawian women and there laughter filled the lulls of our limited conversation - I think I laughed more with them than I have for a long time in America. My friend told me the other day that he smiles more here than he ever has, really smiling...that is what I find here, they smile from the depths of their hearts and I am touched in a place I haven't been touched when I am home in the states. How can that be...the richest country can't offer me what the poorest has lavished upon me?

building a definition of wealth.

all my love

getting to know the kids....

2007-07-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

The story of my favorites….I am not supposed to have favorites I know, but if I could just tell you that I didn’t mean to fall for these few. First there is Lufina, she is one of the village girls, she comes over and stands outside of our door because she doesn’t go to school – her clothes are torn and we actually first bonded over me sewing her clothes – I noticed that I started giving her the best buttons, after that I was in love! We have dance parties in front of our house and she has been coming to my tutoring classes in the afternoons.

Then there is Langford, who is 6 but looks 3 because he was in a malnutrition ward for 6 months after his mother died. He and his brother (who is autistic) were adopted by COTN after they were found by social services. Langford has the sweetest smile and it takes everything in my not to pick him up when he runs to me – because he is not growing well picking him up will hinder his development – so we do stretches instead!

So many stories, so many children, so many my favorites….

more from malawi

2007-07-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

there seems to be too much to say....it is hard when you get 10 minutes of internet sporadically! but the update is all is well. I tried to write a couple of blogs but the electricity has gone out and I have lost two entries thus I will say things are great here. I have actually been out on a weekend trip to Lake Malawi and I went cliff jumping (which was awesome!) pictures later! I miss the kids and can't wait to get back to them - we will be in a new village tomorrow and then will head home (Chiwengo) on Wednesday and I will be able to sing my kids to sleep!

i hope you are all doing well, I miss you guys!

My First Days in Chiwengo

2007-07-07T05:09:00.000-04:00

“Auntie Abanda!” the kids yell and run into my arms now... Christy was a bit hard and luckily I was given a Malawian name by one of the house mothers, Abanda, which means ‘near the waters’ – I like it. You should see this little village tucked away in the middle of nowhere, a small “ gated community” surrounded by miles of maiz fields.

On my morning run, I found a beautiful path through the outer fields, there are the occasional farmers which can be seen half a mile away, otherwise it is just me, God, and the sunrise. It is my only time alone and thus I crave it.

Our days consist of getting to kids ready for school (5:55am!), helping cooking lunch for the houses (grinding flour, etc.), teaching and tutoring the children in the afternoons (I judged the debate teams today!), sports and then devotionals at night, and my favorite….bedtime stories and bedtime songs!

So picture this, kids everywhere, every time I walk out my door they are standing there, they come into our house, we have community wash day with huge buckets near the boar hole (the manual water well pump) and the kids help us wash our clothes and we wash theirs, and you should see me balance buckets on my head these days! I am in heaven – we have the orphans in our orphanage and then we have the village kids who come to our house. There is such a difference in the children we are working with and the village children. It is amazing to see what God is doing in these kids lives how He is healing them and they are growing into amazing healthy kids.

The flip side is organizing and leading 13 women in one house as we all cook, clean, and live together. In addition to leading devotions with them, I answer questions all the time, question that I have no idea the answer to! So some of the quick stories are taking girls to the local nurse which I assisted a minor surgery, it was cut from a bike accident! (actually I just got to hold the blade and clean the wound!), tonight I actually duct taped a piece of the porcelain the size of a both my hands back into the toilet bowl (how does a toilet bowl break?), and we get up at 2:36am to fill buckets with water when the pipes turn on, and the electricity goes off at 6pm in the evenings!

When we keep all of these things in order we still find crazy mishaps, like on our outreach to the village our teams bikes broke: pedals fall off, brake failure, chains falls off, you name it, I was riding and both my pedals fell off! Absolutely hilarious! (Sidenote: at that village I witnessed the tribal dancing and initiation of their king! It was awesome!)

So this is a week and a half into it….please keep me in your prayers! I love you guys!
- auntie abanda

----------

We are biking down sandy roads to the nearby village of Chipiri. The kids in front of have to keep stopping as we the “aunties” can’t seem to keep up with the Malawian pace. When we get to the village there are men running around dressed in tribal wear. It is phenomenal as their faces are covered with brown spotted feathers, as if there entire heads were the bodies of chickens. Their costumes are clothing strips of multiple bright colors that shake to and fro when they dance. They are initiating a king for the village our gracious guide explains to us. We watch in amazement, I sick that I left my camera back at the house. It seems as if some things aren’t meant to be photographed as they might lessen the effect of the experience. We left not long after our presentation and road our bikes home into the sunset. Despite the occasional falling off of our pedals, we made it home safely.

-------------

It must be too soon to be settled as the distant chanting of “Father Abraham” does not lull me into a nap rather spurs me to put aside my book and write. We (14 girls and I) have moved into the small village of Chiwengo, to the neighboring villages this is seen as a private upscale gated community, home of the first President’s family. The electricity is very infrequent and the water comes on for an hour at 2am every morning. Thus last night, me and two other girls found ourselves dripping water down the halls between the bathroom and kitchen – a ritual which the whole house will hopefully learn to enjoy!

The orphans in the homes here are beautiful – between teaching, helping them get ready for school, and playing sports we find ourselves privileged to live among them. My favorite is story time and good night hugs – there is no feeling like being hugged by 50 children before going to bed.

Mice Season

2007-06-25T10:16:00.000-04:00

Now guys, I have seen many a strange hunting seasons coming from the bayous of Louisiana but this out ranks all of what I have seen…..mice season!?!

Seriously, the maiz fields have been harvested and now they are being burned – when they are burned the mice run from their holes into strategically placed nets. The outcome is incredible; there are mice kabobs by the bundle on every street corner for sale. I have almost barfed multiple times just looking at them!

Five days into it and almost everyone has arrived – there are tons of new faces, Chichewa greetings to be memorized and names to be learned. Electricity has gone off and on a few times, praise God I have only had one cold shower so far!

We visited a village church on Sunday, which was unlike any church welcome I have ever received. (the people greeted us all by dancing around us and shaking our hands) and then on the way out we shook hands with each of them.

I leave with my team for Chiwengo on Wednesday which is when we actually begin living within the orphan’s homes – I probably won’t have much email from then on but will try to keep my blog updated as regularly as possible.

Spurgeon said,"God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart."

Lilongwe....

2007-06-22T11:09:00.000-04:00

Well we just took a long drive through the village to buy coal - the children was surrounding me as we bargained (when I say we I mean the driver!) they were so precious and I could not understand a word they said, my closest exchange was giving a bottle cap to a 6 yr. old child who was collecting them - he might be my boyfriend now, I wouldn't even know!)

As we drove out of the city, the sun setting on all of the women carrying baskets and wood on their heads. Babies carried on the backs of babies was a sobering sight, but all so beautiful and in a weird way I feel at home here. Wzamba, they call me, which means foreigner but for me, I feel known....I actually feel more safe in the village than I do at the base with our staff.

I will write as much as I can now but once I am in Chiwengo I will not have internet, please just pray for me as I am excited but my heart doesn't feel fully with me...please pray that I will leave in peace, fully surrendered.

Malawi Arrival

2007-06-22T07:41:00.000-04:00

All is well, I arrived in Lilongwe last night and with fingers crossed I tell you that jetlag has not been bad at all! 3 flights and one marvelous day in London I arrive in Malawi read for a full day and then slept like a little baby!

I will only be here in Lilongwe for 6 days, my team of girls fly in today, pray as the final count is 15 – we leave for the village in a week. Pray for good bonding and grace as there is a lot to prepare! Other than the children in the village, I have yet to see the orphans and my heart is about to burst knowing they are so near but not in my arms!

Oh, what else!?! I don’t even know! I am having culture shock as too how nice everything is, but soon in the village, me and my bucket baths will be thankful for warm showers. It is very cold here, so pray for that we all stay warm and no one gets sick.

Internet will be harder than I thought so please know that I will try my best to communicate but it may be extremely difficult!

All my love!

Taking steps

2007-05-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

The neighborhood kids were playing soccer in the road when I turned into the driveway. I changed my shoes and went outside to play. I noticed they couldn't tell today was my last day of classes and minus two exams I am a graduate….of my Masters. I went for a walk by "the lake" as I call it, I walked around and around it thinking about the last two years of school.

Our professor had let us out of class early this evening and like someone pulling off a bandage quickly, I felt the sting of it all being over. I am supposed to be excited, but this ending has been hard. Things in life are starting to cost more than they did before. I wonder if my title means anything of what I deem worth.

I think about my life, the Africa orphans, I think about the friends and family who have died, I think about saving lives versus saving hearts versus saving souls, I think about what I do each day that matters at all…I think a lot. I ponder jumping into the lake with all my clothes on, because maybe that will mark today different than all others. I contemplating crawling through the drainage pipe because I have never done it before, and I want to live daring.

Instead, I sit and I am still and I watch the water ripple. I think about the quote I read today and I wonder if I could possibly live this way, never actually graduating just taking the next step……

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

--On the wall of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta

Getting Ready for Africa

2007-05-13T18:21:00.000-04:00

It is a month out before leaving for Africa. I am tying up loose ends on the East Coast and preparing to be away for 5 months. In two weeks, I will graduate with my Masters in Counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary.

I will keep this blog updated throughout my trip overseas. Please feel free to contact me by responding to this blog or emailing me at christyav@hotmail.com

In Africa, I will be working with an organization called Children of the Nations - I will live with 15-20 other American girls a village working with orphans.

Please pray for me! Stay tuned for an exciting adventure!

www.myspace.com/liquidlifeline

2006-08-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

Hey guys....I know that some people keep up with me on here, which is crazy because I haven't written in so long, but I will continue to write here periodically, but I will be more current on my myspace....so you can also get there by going to

www.myspace.com/liquidlifeline

Getting older....

2006-06-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

I spent my birthday indoor paintballing and grilling out with friends!!!

A Picture of Me

2006-04-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

I just found out my friend Tran is painting a picture of me, I was so honored!

Back from Africa!

2006-03-22T14:53:00.000-05:00

So much to say, so sure that I could not covey all that happened over the trip! It was so amazing. I am putting pictures from the dancing with the tribal women, as that was my favorite. I also want to put the picture of the girl with her drums...she is playing on an empty water jug...now, because of the drought, I found this to be so compelling that such a beautiful sound could come from such a suffering. these villages emaciated by lack of water, yet such a beautiful sound came from their hearts. They sang loud and strong, they sang of the disease that has taken their parents from them. The pain is devastating, the loss great, and the sounds deep, their hearts strong as they take their hardship and from it produce beauty in a song. I was dumbstruck, convicted, and then simply smiled as I was reminded that our God is one of restoration, that even through such pain: a heartbreak, a famine, a disease stricken country, a massacre of parents - somewhere in the depths of these pains, there is beauty founded in those who survive. I don't know how it happens, but I witnessed the silencing awe of determination, of survival.

More, so much more to tell: stories of building fences with branches and twine, digging with sticks in the ground to erect homes, singing and dancing, sleeping in mosquito nets, peeing in squatty potties in outhouse at 2am, aiding the sick, loving the orphans, safaris in Nairobi, cameling crossings in the wild, henna tattooing my nails and arms, and the list could go on!

Memories of a beautiful Africa!

nairobi..asante sana

2006-03-18T00:57:00.000-05:00

Jambo!! we have found our first internet cafe and I am not sure that we have much time....so I will try to just hit the highlights! I don't know how I can but I will try - so we have spent the week bringing food to orphanages in tribes and villages that are in the depths of the African desert!!! (that sounds dramatic but I really think it is true!) it has been so amazing! I mean we have danced the tribal dance with the native women, they have let us wear their beads, and taught us dances! we built a house, planted trees and conserved water....we have bathed in buckets, we hung out with the Rhendilli tribe and many more I can't spell! So I could go on and on, I mean there is such an incredible drought and a famine - so our biggest objective has been delivering food until the rain comes (April!!!)

There you go...i will post more insightful, and meaningful posts soon! We are on our way to see a giraffe and elephant safari! Oh yeah, we got stopped by a camel crossing in the desert...way cool!

okay, going find a yellow elephant....we fly out late tonight for home!! oh and we toured London too!

miss you all! Qwherri!

i am safe...in Kenya

2006-03-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

more details later...I love this place

Where have I been?

2006-02-27T12:34:00.000-05:00

I have been looking for myself for a couple of weeks now....

Life has been so busy, so crazy. I am actually writing this while talking with 6 other people, so I won't be as whitty as normal - I do need to give a shout out to my roommate Toni, it's her birthday, Happy Birthday Toni! So, I started work at Starbucks, and love it! I am traveling like a maniac for the next two and half months....I am seeing clients in the clinic at school, and Autumn is moving here to Orlando this Friday!!! So between three jobs, classes, clinic, and church I have had to make specific time with friends - SO this weekend I was like I need to go camping...and so we did, after work we drove out late to Wekiva Springs and camped out - sitting around a fire with stoogies and fun beverages we talked for hours! The night was eventful, as the bears were active, but alas no, we didn't see one, it started pouring at 3:22AM and we had to run out and cover our tent...early morning we awoke and made our way soaked to the house and cooked breakfast, it was a glorious weekend!

I leave for Africa next week and I can't believe it!!!!

Where the HECK have I been?

2006-02-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update, I know I have neglected those I love so far away....okay LIFE: well that is what I am thinking alot about lately living life, what is life, how fully alive am I, what do I dream about, am I pursuing it?? Wheeww...exhausting, in the meantime: I am have started a new job at Starbucks so I am a fellow barista! and I am officially in the clinic and seeing clients during the evenings, going to school a few days a week, eating sushi alot more than normal, teaching spin at La Fitness and YMCA, and getting ready to leave for AFRICA in the next two weeks!!! A little overwhelmed somedays, making it to the beach whenever I can for some sanity, and going camping if I can stay awake long enough to set up a tent!!

Will write more later, but that is my update as of now!

Update....Counting down the days!

2006-01-31T17:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks for song picks, it is cool to get to hear some good stuff I haven't heard before. I am looking for stuff that I can use in my aerobics classes too so if you find any fun songs feel free. So okay, I have just finished 9 grad hours in a matter of 3 weeks, I feel like I am going to fall over! But alas, done! and so I am trying to get all my stress out before class starts tomorrow. So I went to the beach and actually got a sunburn and then went to watch a movie with my roommate. So, as life is getting stressful remember to have fun, treat yourself good!

Okay, that was just a little update as I don't want to be all deep all the time! Counting down the days to:

Autumn's Arrival to Orlando - Feb. 17 o 18th?
Africa Orphanage trip - March 9th
Baja Mexico for Laurie's Wedding - April 29th
Grand Canyon Women's Wilderness LT - July 9th

I am SSSSSOOOOOO excited about life lately! Dream big!

Music...

2006-01-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

What would you recommend...what are the songs that you LOVE right now or think I have to listen to! Give me your favorite songs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTUMN

2006-01-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

When your best friend is overseas and it is her birthday nothing seems to satisfy....so please know I love you and I hope you have a wonderful bday...and I didn't mail your present until yesterday...sorry!

I love you!

If I don't, the rocks are gonna cry out!

2006-01-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

So, me, yes, I should be studying Hebrew, which is what I have been doing for roughly 7-10 hours a day.....and though I should be studying more... I am updating my blog. You know that verse that says if you don't praise God, the rocks with cry out and praise Him. (and I am in seminary! what kind of translation is that!)

So....follow me, I take a break and meet a classmate for lunch, on my way out I get a phone call from a guy saying he found an envelope with checks made out to me in the parking lot and he wanted to return them....praise God! so I meet him at a gas station and we exchange "the goods" and the he says, by the way, I wanted to give you some money too for that trip! I am like what the heck, this guy doesn't even know me...but he writes out a check, tells me to be safe and he is on his way!

I walk back to my car. stunned. and I can feel God look down at me, just shaking His head, because once again He has blown me away.

Back to Hebrew....

Aren't we a cute family?...Kinsey's wedding!

2006-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Dancin'....I love to live!

2006-01-18T16:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, it started with getting up to teach a 5:30am spin class at the YMCA....on my way home, it is still dark and I find myself longing for time with the Lord. As I head back to Barb and Anne's I crawl under there Christmas tree (yes, it is still up!) with my Bible and journal and I pray the dawn won't break, nor the silence be disrupted...the time feels so precious. He is there with me, instantly He calls me intimately, me, Israel, He asks to trust Him. I feel like God has called me to a life that He leads, yet I have definitely struggled, wrestled with Him to control it myself, it just feels safer. It's not safer...no, it is actually overwhelming. So again, He asks would you let Me lead? and again I relinquish and say but....will you be faithful, can you prove yourself to me?

and He does. today, I found out my trip to Africa is completely covered, I am going to Africa to touch little orphans and my heart quickens at the thought, the thought of my dreams coming true in front of my eyes. And when I got the call, I began to weep and He whispered...thank you for letting me, this is just the beginning, don't compare, don't control, I will blow you away with what I have in store for you.

so.....there is much fear in letting go, but now the cost is too high to not relinquish, I am more intrigued in what He has in the future for me than what I could ever dream up.

FLORIDA...is it a relapse?

2006-01-13T12:50:00.000-05:00

Florida. Home. Hmmmm.......I come home and submerge myself with people: April, The Standingers, Beth, and Toni...I wake up early the next morning ready for school, or looking forward to school so that I don't have to feel what I am feeling maybe because I don't know what I am feeling. So now I am a week into school, I actually see my first client today. It has been a good week, a long week. I have seen God show up alot....I have received support for my first deadline for the Africa trip (which is totally God). Getting back into the swing of things always takes time....and in the midst of that I see God asking me to give up more control to Him. Do I trust Him with everything, with trusting Him where He has put me, with the future, with my calling, with all the things I thought I knew in the past but now am not sure of. I am asking God to help me to be content with all of it, all I don't know and don't see.

I fear my struggle with God sounds boxed.

My friend Tim has this on his online journal and I like it, so......

Current music: Breathe (2am) Anna Nalick
Current mood: growing, unclear of the future, still peaceful

A New Year

2006-01-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update, I spent my Christmas in Louisiana and Texas - it was incredible! I have only been home for less than 24 hours and smiled a hundred times telling the stories of being home! I love my family, my friends, and Louisiana and Texas are home to me in many ways! Anyway, after delayed planes, New Orleans holidays, turkish delight with family, poker with friends, fun times with highschool friends, going on dates, new memories with college friends, New Year's parties, and the wedding of my dear precious cousin Kinsey..I returned to Orlando and I'm sitting in a classroom smiling, thinking of the richness of my life! Thank you for being in my life!

Happy New Years!

gringos in Belize

2005-12-16T20:00:00.000-05:00

another perfect day in Belize....started off with the sunrise and coffee, then finished the day grilling lobsters with the family. Lobsters that dad, Bon and I hunted with our spearguns! We found a couple of cool spots and dad ran into a moray eel, which is a bit frightening from some gringos but not us. Bon and I found the perfect lobster, I shot and missed and proceeded to just take the spear, chase it down and stab it!!!! (pretty good strategy!) So at the end of the day we cleaned - 13 lobsters, 7 conch, and a crab, it was good eatin'!

p.s. this morning has already begun, Bon took me on her favorite swim as the sun rose over the ocean - then we went for a swing and a seesaw! Now we are going have coffee with dad!

Thriller....

2005-12-08T21:17:00.000-05:00

So....I was celebrating the birthdays of three friends, and there was a contest, and with that contest came a prize. Now this is a side of me that doesn't always come out but oh did it....I am competitive. I like to play it off, like I will just do this and it will be nice yet subconsciously I am thinking what the heck will win this crowd over??? And so, I recruited world's greatest choreographer Barb Browne and beckoned her to design the perfect dance, to the perfect song....thriller! She saw my moves and thought dang girl, I am going to have to do this with you if there is any chance of you winning! and alas, Barb saved the day!

U2

2005-11-20T23:19:00.000-05:00

You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
-Bono

I saw U2 in Miami with some friends, we stayed in South Beach, definitely alot of fun! I just have to say that the concert leaves me speechless...most incredible concert I have been to yet!

Pictures of Katrina Relief

2005-11-20T23:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Day!

2005-10-31T10:39:00.000-05:00

I am not sure if I should say Happy Halloween, Harvest, or Reformation day! It gets confusing for us seminary students!

But this week has encompassed Mardi Gras bead throwing, Magic Kingdom celebrations, introducing my troll/Tina Turner maroon wig to the seminary, and tonight I will be escorted by a princess, a fairy, and a ninja to trick-or-treat! Somewhere between carving pumpkins and roasting pumpkin seeds I remember that these are the things in life which make me smile.

Happy day everyone!

TREASURE!

2005-10-25T19:46:00.000-04:00

I went on an invigorating run through my “narnia” forest after the remains of Wilma left us with a brisk wind and cool temperatures. I had gotten back from our Louisiana trip at 4am that morning and slept most of the day, it was good to get some air. Our team of 15, two 12-passenger vans titled “cherry-bomb” and “silver bullet”, and one large truck we filled with donations for hurricane victims made there way to Louisiana for a long weekend.
We unloaded our truck supplies in a small town on the Mississippi/Louisiana border which had been devastated by Katrina. I like millions have watched the news, I have seen the pictures, but I can not describe walking down the streets of neighborhoods which have been demolished, no structure left standing, debris strewn through the trees. Peoples lives, their memories, their treasures, now laid for miles open for the public to stroll through like a garage sale offering you a trash bag to fill for $1.
Our team worked with a small Catholic church, we went from house to house tearing down sheetrock, pulling out floors, removing flooded appliances, etc. I deemed the two breathing masks with orange peels between them our best invention. Through mold, maggots, and mud we searched to offer life to the remains of these massacred homes.
My most heartbreaking discovery was the remains of my home. My heart raced as I drove down the familiar roads, homes I had seen so often now destroyed, and I still found myself hoping ours might have made it. Maybe our home would be salvageable, perhaps my fears would not be true. Turning the corner to our home, I moved into a new genre, I was no longer the relief worker, now I was the victim. The frame of the house was torn, leaving the kitchen and living room exposed. I wept. As if I were attending a funeral, I cried, as if someone had died. I felt silly no one had died, yet hundreds had died, hundreds of memories.
I returned the next day to the house with a small team, we searched through the remains with my aunt and I, yelling “treasure!” every time we found something of worth. I was digging with a shovel through the insulation, broken furniture, and glass in one room, when I found what seemed to be a book, I dug through the mud and pulled out a photo album. The first page I wiped off was a picture of me and my sister as young teenagers with goofy hats on. Again, the tears came, “treasure!” I yelled in through the sobs, “treasure!”.
At dusk, we sat in the driveway, looking through our treasures, we had a few pieces of dishes from my great grandmother, a painting from my aunt, pictures I had found, a bowl my uncle had made, an newspaper article of grandpa’s eulogy and 6 notes from loved ones. Maybe I can explain a little more why it felt like a funeral, no one died, but the physical, tangible memories of many who I have loved where broken, lost, or destroyed. My grandma’s crochete blankets are gone, thousands of our pictures destroyed, multiple pieces of our artwork lost.
I turned on a song by MercyMe called “Homesick” as I ran today, looking at the sun shine through the remains of the now passed hurricane. The sunshine felt so nice after all the rain, as did my treasure, they felt like redemption from so much destruction of the storm. The team I was on loved me well, they walked with me as I dug through my saddest losses of my family’s memories.
How is it that God brings redemption from such tragedy? From such devastation? How is it my heart is still tender towards You, Father? Natural disaster plague us universally in recent months but still I find the tenderness of the Lord here in the debris amidst the mud and the remains. There in the lowest places I find hope. God is good.

kayaking is my new hobby!

2005-10-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

And I will glory only in the cross
Yes I will glory only in the cross
And I will make my boast in the Lord Jesus Christ
Crucified to ransom us.

Crucified to ransom us. I sang that while I sat in the middle of the lake watching the ripples from the wind. It was a long week, I was in Texas and Louisiana. It was bittersweet. Moments of embracing dear friends were priceless and the pain of driving into my home state and encountering all the debris from what has been titled a natural disaster. There were all levels of intimacy and shallowness, I suspect it is what we call survival mode. Survival mode. When I know the Lord has called me to LIVE…yet living is so exhausting and painful. So today when tears began to spill down my face during class I knew He was tugging on my heart. Don’t survive, babe, live. I grab a kayak and paddle my frustrations all the way out to the middle of the lake…where I am surrounded by Him alone. He doesn’t answer my fears, my pain, my anger, my hope, but He doesn’t have to because He is there, all around me.

Where are you?

2005-10-04T12:18:00.000-04:00

I hung up the phone as I reached the doorway to class just a minute late. As I found my seat in the classroom I remember thinking life is getting a little too methodical, I want to make out with someone. You might find that odd but there are days, which I call make out days that I would just about mug down with anyone....too honest? well there it is. I mean, I never act on it. To explain this shows how I was relating to the Lord, I mean, in our relationship it has been alot of hardship and loyalty lately. Not much room for passion, a long time since we have had a "make out session". I mean this in the most non-sexual way, I miss the passion. Anyway, class begins and through the next 2 classes I feel the longing grow, and the Lord even asking me if I could meet Him in the woods behind school this afternoon. In our last class, we were talking about Gen. 3 and how God called out to Adam and Eve....where are you? we discussed what the meant. so strongly I felt the Lord say I was calling to them because I am lost without them, they are a part of Me. Christy, you are a part of Me...there is a loss when I am without you. I found myself racing to the back to the campus to find a favorite little brook that I love to sit by and there I told the Lord that I feared He could not quench my needs, my wants, my passion. It began to lightning and thunder loudly, and the rain came. I let them pour down on me, I let His answer to my desire reach deep into the crevices of my doubts.

Did someone MUTE the world?

2005-09-08T11:07:00.000-04:00

It seems like the world has been muted since Katrina hit, somehow colors don't look as brilliant as before nor does excitement come as easy. My heart hurts for my state, for these people who have lost so much....i don't know how to feel but I feel. The world is going on around me, helping hands are so near, but still I am sad to watch the pain and devastation. I am torn between jumping into helping yet feeling the weight of the tragedy because it is in my backyard. Thank you for praying.

c girl

Katrina...

2005-09-03T18:39:00.000-04:00

I don't think Katrina will be a popular girls name for the next couple decades...but I wanted to update you guys, because many have asked.....my family is safe, there has been so much going on we are all overwhelmed. My aunt Jinx lost her house, and we lost our favorite family camp, and my parents had a couple of trees fall but miraculously their house came out okay! Mike (my stepdad will be relocated to Houston, and mom will probably rent a place so that she can go to work. We lost some family friends and still are unsure of everything for the future. Please pray for all of the victims of Katrina.

Family, Harry Potter, and school....

2005-08-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

My mom and brother came visit me in Orlando...so we had fun times hanging at Disney and getting pedicures! Then I was in Louisiana last week to spend time with the family and paint with my Memaw....home now.

School started yesterday, so somewhere between my break down in the theological requirements for salvation and talking about where I am at with the Lord, I decided this program is alot more about getting to my heart than attaining a masters degree. I am a wrestless woman, always desiring to move to the next thing, continually uncontent with where I am....it has to stop. I can't live this way, this gypsy blood is stealing from me what I am most longing for. So that is school.

As far as my title... i have just finished Harry Potter, I know, I know....I loved it. Here is my point - Dumbledore who is Harry's mentor explains to him that the reason Harry is more powerful than the Dark Lord is because Harry has known LOVE. (key word here!) so it chapel we talked about Eph. 4:15 (community is powerful because it is united by LOVE) okay, so I race to disect Gal. 5:17 (we are continually battling the spiritual war) and it simply occured to me that we are victorious because we have known Love, Christ's love. I could go on and on...but just thought this tidbit might make some sense.

Please pray that the Lord would teach me how to be content!

Swimming lessons

2005-08-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

i should be finishing this 160 questions test that is due tomorrow or atleast working on the paper that is also due...but no! my mind won't let me. I can't concentrate enough on such minimal things. i am battling this crazy heart of mine, she keeps posing these questions, these scenarios and i can't seem to get far enough away from my past. the what if questions will anhilate anyone. i am a mess. this heart, these emotions, this life....messy. so if you are signing up to be in this with me, hold on because even i am confused.

yesterday before work i was outside the gym by the pool watching the children take swimming lessons. on the far corner were the babies and i watched in unbelief as these toddlers were taken in the water and left on their backs crying as they choked and fretfully paddled to the side. Over and over the instructor would pull them out a little farther, note the children are wailing and the parents clapping and videotaping! I was appalled, thinking to myself surely there is a better way! Yet the children weren't in any harm, the instructor was right there in the water with them and the parents close by.

i fear this may be a reflection of what i feel these days....as if God keeps pulling me back further and further from the side of the pool (safety) and i am wailing as friends and family cheer me on. my mind races....Am i losing the battle? Will i ever learn how to swim? i am longing for the lesson to be done...for someone to wrap me up in a towel and carry me home. the only problem is there will be more lessons, for the goal is not getting through each lesson rather it is learning to swim.

i got home after my spin class with pent up energy still begging to be released so i set out to explore my new neighborhood. A couple miles into the lightning filled night I found a lone swing set and I allowed my heart to be a child, vulnerable with the Lord. I shared with Him my doubt, confessed my pride and fear. I wept. If I had to associate myself with a Biblical character at this point it would be Hagar, Sarah's maidservant. I have been faithful to do what i thought i was supposed to be doing. I have laid down my life and now I am being left behind, left alone, left to perish...but I know the Lord comes and He delivers me. Hagar calls Him, the One Who Sees Me.

So here i am, i can tell you He sees me and i am on this journey still. I am learning to swim.

2005-08-02T14:26:00.000-04:00

Pura Vida con mi familia!

Safely home....and in class!

2005-08-02T13:33:00.000-04:00

We returned home from a great trip in Costa Rica! I am invigorated to live my life in a rainforest and live off of the medicinal herbs, speaking Spanish and eating mangos for the rest of my life!! But I have found myself in class everyday from 8-5pm and it is beginning to be a bit of a kill joy.
SSSOOO...I am holding on until mid-August when I can go on my next adventure!!! I moved into a house (not one that I bought, i decided it wasn't the best investment) but I have two great roommates!! My mom and Paul come in this weekend for fun times in Orlando....tune in next time for pictures of my mom's sexy legs!

A little tidbit on what God is teaching me about myself: "Whatever comes, cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. IT would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in cloths of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it." The Little Princess

I believe one of our most terrifying battles is being the person no one sees.

¡Pura Vida!

2005-07-21T18:47:00.000-04:00

Well, you have to love international keyboards....all the letters are a little bit different! So I have a little time and I can´t email back everyone so I am going to post on the blog so you guys can hear from me!!! Costa Rica is awesome, it is so much more touristy than two years ago, but it is still just as beautiful as ever! I will post pictures when I get home but here is a little tid bit of our trip so far....We started by checking out Volcan Poas and La Paz waterfalls in Alejuela, then moved onto Arenal Volcano where we were able to hike on the lava flow!! We swam in the hot springs and behind the waterfall in La Fortuna. We have now made our way from Monteverde where we ziplinned through the rainforest and hiked the cloudforest to a secluded beach in Playa nicoya where we have spent the day surfing and tomorrow will go deep sea fishing! okay, I have to run but life is phenomenal....Pura vida!!

Should I Stay or Should I Go....

2005-06-20T20:21:00.000-04:00

I am not sure when I became a grown up....I am sitting here crunching numbers, trying to figure out if house is a good investment, if a masters is a good investment, or if any of it is worth it considering the stress I am feeling. I found a house today, two houses in fact, and I feel torn between which is the better option. Like most of my decisions, I ask for advice from a multitude of sources only to find out that in the end it is me alone who has to live with my decision. Commitment paralyzes me.....why am I so afraid? I remember being fearless once, I remember having no cares, I remember the world being mine to conquer....

So fear not, I have decided to jump. Jump into the paralyzing fear of commitment. Jesus asked Philip once how to feed hundreds, simply to stretch Philip's faith....for Jesus already knew the answer. I am trusting that Jesus knows the answer to how my life will be provided for.

2005-06-07T15:34:00.000-04:00

Night Shark Fishing Birthday

9117 Days Old

2005-06-07T15:14:00.000-04:00

About 20 of us celebrated my birthday night shark fishing off Cape Canaveral - we caught mostly Atlantic white shark though someone got a hammerhead but had to throw it back! I only caught a "charity" shark, for the record I had to sharks break my line, but then one guy let me reel his in! We took about 12 sharks home with us and plan to have a grill out soon! Note: furthest visiting friend, was my friend Zach who I like to think flew in from Qatar just to come celebrate!

I had a smaller party with a few friends which was really special to have them love on me....and tons of people called on my birthday and sent packages. I was journaling later last night, thinking through the last 25 years. I feel completely blessed at the life I have been given, my friends, family, and experiences bring me to tears of awe at how God has given me more than I could ever ask for. I am well-loved and this may be the greatest gift I have experienced in my entire life.

Waiting for my wings to dry...

2005-05-05T08:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, there has been so much going on, I haven't seemed to have a moment to update everyone....so here goes, I have decided to start the Master in Counseling here in Orlando this July is my first class...so in the mean time I will finish up at Great Commission Ministries (May 13th is my last day!), I will go to Texas for a couple of weeks and spending time with amazing people, look into buying a house, taking some fun trips with friends...destination looking like Egypt! A family vacation to Costa Rica and hopefully getting to visit my dad in Belize before the summer is done!

SO....in all this I find myself changing, growing, committing, and blossoming (that sounds like such a stupid verb) I should rather say that I am in a new stage, this is my chrysalis. It is the end part when the butterfly is out of the cocoon but must wait for her wings to dry.

2005-04-05T20:53:00.000-04:00

Paul and I at Freebirds...I got a Super Monster

I am not afraid of Monsters, I eat them!

2005-04-05T20:48:00.000-04:00

I got to visit Freebirds last week....it was so wonderful!! It is my favorite burrito place in the whole world. I love Texas!

2005-04-04T15:27:00.000-04:00

Louisiana Easter with the family

Pok-pok anyone?

2005-04-04T12:47:00.000-04:00

These last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, my goal this past weekend was to have nothing to do! I got back from Easter last week which I spent in Louisiana and Texas - it was great. My family is so cute, it was a weekend of love, laughter, and tradition. The strange thing is that I love adventure and new things but I crave the stability of traditions. Me, the girl who wants to travel the world and never sit still longs for a life of security and worth. It has been interesting to watch my life these last few months, searching to be content in just BEING, not doing.

P.S. Pok-poking is a little French game we play with cracking our dyed eggs!

2005-03-15T16:16:00.000-05:00

Snowboarding trip in California

grenadegloves.com

2005-03-15T15:51:00.000-05:00

I spent a week in Mammouth, California hanging with the family - I spent the week: snowboarding, cross-country skiing, reading by a fire, hot-tubbing it, etc. It was an amazing week, exactly what I needed! I had so much fun, I felt so alive in the brisk breeze and watching the sunset cascaded across the mountains. It was phenomenal. Nicole and I decided one night to venture out in the pitch-black desert to find the natural hot tubs, to our dismay we never found them and had to get Aunt Shirley to help us the next day. We cross-countried out to the hot tubs with watercolors and lunch - we spent the day painting the snow-covered mountains around us!! I can confidently say that I can snowboard blues, I can also confidently say that I have a bruise the size of an orange on my backside!

Band-aids on the mirror....

2005-02-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

So I have returned from a whirlwind weekend. I was able to see most of my family, which made it so wonderful and eat a little crawfish! The funeral however was hard. Picture a hearse coming through town with interior lights illuminating the American flag covered coffin, the streets aligned with thousands of people waving American flags....it was a breath-taking military funeral for Seth.

Mourning has become common to me recently and actually bittersweet. I am at peace and after this weekend I realized that heaven doesn't seem so far away because there are more people there for me to love now.

My goal for this week is to make it to California, where I can hopefully average more than 4 hours of sleep, which has been the last weeks average! I am realizing that I long to laugh more, enjoy life fully, so if you want, a friend passed on a great joke about bandaids on the mirror and I would love to share it with you if you need a laugh!

Life is hard, it is a gift, and it should be cherished. Love well.

Hope your week was better than mine...

2005-02-25T07:54:00.000-05:00

Spinning felt so good this morning, there was so much inside that I have failed to let out and so I just pushed harder and harder, hoping to release the tension inside. (boy did I sweat!) I have found myself retreating alot this week, going for a run around this lake near my house. I will be attending two funerals this weekend, I fly home this afternoon. I have found that with the pain of loss, fear has found me again.

Overwhelmed. I told this to the Lord as I ran another lap around the lake yesterday. I need You desperately. And once again He came.

So Louisiana bound for two days and then home and then California bound - this chick needs a little snowboarding break!

In Memory of Tracy Rupp

2005-02-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't ever met Tracy Rupp, but she inspired me. There is a huge wooden carving of 6 dolphins erected from the base of tree. Each dolphin swimming toward the sky. It is a pretty phenomenal piece of work...people pass by some glance, others not even a look, and very few notice the small engravement - in memory of Tracy Rupp. I want to live a life which leaves inspiration.

Twice on deck, once before the pitch.....

2005-02-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

This was my dad and I's little secret plan for getting rid of your nerves before batting. My dad would pitch to me in the backyard and he would tell me take one practice swing before the pitch and then you are ready. Well the next 13 years of baseball offered a lot of opportunities to try out his method. I would be so nervous, but I would religiously take two swings on deck, and then one practice swing before the pitch.

Early this morning, I spent some time praying on an empty baseballfield. Standing on homeplate looking straight onto the pitcher's mound, I felt that rush come back for a moment. Instinctively I thought, one practice swing and then you're ready. I remembered many times in the past I would reach too high for the ball or even strike out, yet everytime hearing my father's whisper, one swing and you are ready.

Very much like my life lately, I stand at the homeplate and I am so nervous because the pressures are on. Can I do it? Will this be too hard? What if I strike out? The questions run repeatedly through my mind, yet I heard the Father tell me this morning...one practice swing and you are ready.

What's Love Got to Do with It?

2005-02-14T08:19:00.000-05:00

Absolutely everything.

I find myself on this Hallmark holiday contemplating the depth of love. As I am busy sending flowers, bath salts, cds and candies - I find there is left a void. These gifts say "i love you" or "i am for you" and "i love the way you laugh" but deeper still there is a longing to be sought after by one. A quiet desire to be known, accepted and even more to never be left.

There is a scene in "Lord of the Rings" we watched yesterday in church...Frodo is going off in a boat to take the ring, and Sam runs after him, yelling. Frodo says, no Sam, I am going alone. Sam, who can't swim begins to run into the water and without success, attempts to reach the boat. There is a look on his face as he is drowning, one of determination to live out his word, his commitment. Frodo comes back and pulls him in the boat, and looks at him in amazement, complete awe. Sam says, I made a promise to go with you, and I mean to do that.

No one is void this desire. We want someone to journey with us, fight for us, commit to us. I find that easily we look to a significant other, a best friend, a family - and I must say the feeling of true acceptance is completely intoxicating. When I take a moment to think, who is committed to me, faces come to mind, because without doubt, I know they are for me. It is powerful, because it is the closest earthly encounter we have to love of our Creator. Yet I would dare say these only subdue the true ache.

So as I worshipped my thoughts are consumed by His face, He is running after me. I feel skepticism, to hope this will quench my longing. It feels phenomenal today, but tomorrow I will ask Him again to scale the mountains for my heart and prove His faithfulness......and the awestricken fact is, He will.

As we all journey through life, attempting to love and asking to be loved, you can find me near.

Doubtlessly peer through these intentions

Hope for my best and offer your hand

Carry my armor when I am wounded

Ignore my scares and kiss my secret fears

this love makes me alive.

2005-02-09T11:08:00.000-05:00

Camping Flagler Beach - Tosser, Bushwacker, Blaze, Breaker, and Cha-Cha survive camping through a storm!

2005-02-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

Christmas 2004: Time with the family, fireworks, destroying gingerbread RVs, and laughing!

Having Lost All Sensitivity...

2005-02-01T07:34:00.000-05:00

5:15 AM - every morning this week, and it is only Tuesday. Yikes! I have started teaching a spinning class at 5:45am and it is kicking my butt (so is the 63 year old woman in my class, I think I may just let her teach from here on out!). I thought I was a pretty funny and entertaining girl....but I found out I am not much of anything at that time!

I am beginning to feel more anxious as I think of my future, everyday I seem to here the voice begin to ask again....what will you make of this life of yours? My hearts response is so much different than before...whatever the Lord decides to make me passionate about, whatever He consumes my heart with! Well this sounds easy enough except when me, the most passionate person I know (other than Sarah Brown) has lost her passion.

So the adventure begins, as explore my passions anew. A small surge of excitement runs through as I feel this time it will look a little more healthier. This verse caught me this morning-

(paraphrased Ephesians 4:19; 5:!) you must no longer live in the futility of their thinking. having lost all sensitivity, with a continual lust for more. ....instead, live a life of love.

Having lost all sensitivity with a continual lust for more.....that is so much me. I have lost my sensitivity to anything around me because I am so consumed with myself. I am continually lusting for more. Whether it is because I don't want to feel the full weight of my heart or just enslaved to stimulation, I have become addicted to being entertained by everything. Even my times alone are monitored by a performance.

Here is the healing....instead, live a life of love! Oh wow, my heart melts as if a weight lifts and this secret hope is uncovered from the weight of these huge boulders I have carried for so long. You mean I can drop all of these things and just love, freely love?

Instead, live a life of love.

You have allowed me to walk this path....

2005-01-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

Camping will do amazing things for a person, well definitely for me. Last weekend a new camping club was formed, 5 female campers (Blaze, Bushwacker, Tosser, ChaCha, and Breaker) set out to spend a nice evening with a fire and the ocean. Well the rain never quit and we found ourselves setting up camp on the beach and laughing hysterically over a campfire. Drenched. We spent the next 24 hours damp, and after little sleep and too much laughter we made our way home. My favorite part was cooking breakfast over a camping stove and having the neighbor come over and take our picture because he was so impressed that we survived in a fourman tent through this thunderstorm. It was great to feel gross and tired because it made me feel alive. I noticed that the coffee and sausage we ate that morning was the best I have had in awhile. Plush circumstance allow us to forget how great life is, how blessed we are....how good coffee tastes.

My second epiphany has been in my personal walk with the Lord. I have many times wondered if I am lost, maybe I got turned around or mixed up. I wanted to be great, but instead I am an unseen nobody. Somehow I have walked confidently into a world of insecurity and doubt. It came to me from a devotional, that when the Israelites were leaving Egypt because God had delivered them, they were chased right up to the Red Sea. Did they get there because they wanted to be there? No. God delivered them, led them out of captivity, to be halted in front of the Red Sea. Wasn't this what He said, isn't this where He led us?

I feel often that I have been going where the Lord is leading me and now I am looking up to find that I am blocked by the Red Sea.

Do I turn around? Swim? God, didn't You lead me here? And that is what He is telling me.
Christy, I allowed you to walk this path.
So what do I do now Lord?
You trust me and wait for me to open the Red Sea. Wait for me to deliver you.

Aud Lang Syne

2005-01-07T13:10:00.000-05:00

2005 was christened along with my Kroeger family this year, we spent 14 hours at Epcot, dancing to the nationality of each country!! After 3 firework shows by Disney you are not sure if you will ever be satisfied again by a family firework session. We capped the new year morning off with wine and stockings in the RV (of course interrupted by the casual tourist who needed to use our restroom!

I was also up in Ohio for a conference which went well, but most of all I was able to play in the snow! I have learned that you can definitely get a soar butt from other things than a workout.

Christmas was filled with family, the zoo (which could be mistaken for my family), engagements (not mine!!), traveling, gingerbread RVs and the pingpong destruction method we chose! There was not a dull moment.

I think the sound of some structure sounds nice....well? So back in Orlando, covered with tsunami relief effort work and the regular "saving with world" tasks I perform. My friend Tran was in I was able to roadtrip a little with her this week and spend the day in the ocean.

I was provoked with this spiritual thought....why did God ask Adam where he was when Adam was hiding in the garden? was it because God didn't know where Adam was? no. God knew but He wanted Adam to share it with Him. God knows where and who you are, it is us who fully don't. All He is asking that we share it with Him, and why so in the process we find out where we are.

Gen. 3:8

They heard the voice of Adonai, walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, so the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of God, among the trees in the garden. Adonai called to the man, "Where are you"?

Running through a Winter Wonderland!

2004-12-06T09:27:00.000-05:00

So I ran the half marathon....2:22 - not the best time ever, but I finished it! It was awesome as I ran through the finish line and I had friends cheering, I felt so alive!

Went to a Christmas party last night at Epcot -"Jesus" from Passion of the Christ narrated the Christmas story in the midst of a huge choir and orchestra - then it snowed, Disney made it snow right here in Florida, and after we watched a firework show! It was such an incredible night, it felt like Christmas.

I wonder if Jesus had any idea the extremes people would go to in celebrating His birth.

"Oh come, oh come Emanuel, and ransom captive Israel..."

To Belize and Back.....

2004-12-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

Over Thanksgiving, I travelled down to Ambergris Caye, Belize to hang out with my dad and sister. It was so beautiful....we night snorkeled, fished off the boat, trolled out in the ocean, dove in the reef, ate lots of lobster. It was so wonderful. I learned how to clean out conch and make ceviche.

One night on our way home from fishing, we tried a new route through the back of the island, but we couldn't find the inlet back to our house so we searched for lights onshore that might seem familiar to us...as I looked over the silohuette of the town and different lights that marked different places in town, I thought of how many times in life we find ourselves coming on a new route in uncertain water, looking for the way home. The answer was in remembering the past and where we came from, and what we already knew, it is because of those markers in life that we can always find our way home.

I'm back in Orlando now, and getting ready for a half marathon this weekend! I ran 10 miles and feeling like 13 might be a bit much- we'll see.

Great peace have they who love your law and nothing can make them stumble. -David

Does everyone have an Awpa?

2004-11-19T08:42:00.000-05:00

I received the most amazing email from my grandpa today, I love that my grandparents are my very best friends. There is something about having a person in your life who will always accept you and whatever you offer....and they won't sugarcoat it because they love you too much. I hope everyone has an Awpa & Memaw in their life!

Okay....so I ran 9 miles yesterday and well, it took me awhile, but done! All I know is that I am not sure I will be any good at capture the flag tonight. later.

What can man do to me?

2004-11-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in awhile because my life has been completely insane. Between conferences and out of town friends visiting...I haven't really had alot of time. So! I leave next week to spend Thanksgiving in Belize with my dad and sister. Oh and for you who care about where I am in my half marathon training.....9 miles today - pray I make it. Okay, I have to run but I was pondering this verse this morning, and I think that I am telling God that man can do alot, teach me how not to fear it. I'll update more often!

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?

Borrow Mine

2004-10-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

I haven't figured out how often to write on this thing, how much I should say, or even what is understandable to everyone....my life today is really good. I began the morning early, and I laughed when I saw my hair in the mirror - always meaning it is going to be a good day! I ran 4.5 miles yesterday with my friend Cristina (she has told me that next week we are running 6 miles...stay tuned to see if that actually happens!), and I am beginning to feel each day like I just might like myself alot. It is amazing that the only person we get to spend our entire lives with is God and ourselves. God is crazy cool but I'm still figuring out if I am excited about spending my lifetime with Christy. (a very important question to answer!)

So in all the pain and changes within my heart, I feel as if my passion for life has been lost, yet recently I get glimpses of it in people. Whether it is a hope that Autumn has in me, a letter that Beth sends me, a hilarious voicemail from Kinsey - it is in my friends that I find that I can borrow their hope when I can't seem to find my own. Maybe I am just realizing that life may be all about living fully and when you can't you must borrow if from someone who loves you.

I already have accomplished the greatest day I could ever expect. I did something this morning for a friend, and I know that she knows that I love her....and somehow I don't need anything else to complete my day - it is an amazing thing to give someone the gift of love. Sometimes I just babble when I start talking about this stuff, but I know the most powerful gift you can give someone at any moment is to show them they are unique, of worth and lovable. May we all live today loving.

Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1Cor. 13:13

To be vulnerable or not to be...

2004-10-22T08:07:00.000-04:00

This week has been a whirlwind, between birthdays, work, training (because I am training for a half marathon!) and meeting with people - I feel like my heart and my feelings are drowning in what I have deemed the pursuit of life. Full week and weekend. I am getting certified to teach spinning classes (cycling) so that should be an exciting adventure. I have tons of thoughts on Lamentations 3 but I will save it for another day....when I have more time.

Who has the right to comment on one's dreams?

While I tiptoe across your beating heart,

It is in these black and white screens I find you lost,

And fear that you might never see,

the hope which lives in each of the scenes.

-CAV

my heart...online?

2004-10-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

so this is my first blog, i didn't really think I would want to do this but it will make it easier for me to let those near and far know where I am, in my heart that is! or physically...I am in Orlando, FL which I read yesterday is called the City of Dreams...funny, definitely not the title I would have given it. To catch those up on my life who I haven't been in touch with...I am on the up of a long year and a half hike here in Florida. God and I have walked through some hard places, and I feel I have scratched the surface of respecting and even embracing pain.

I heard this line in a teaching and it still resonates with me...."God would not take pain away from us, for it is too great of a gift."

More to come....